If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried