*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
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If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I was bored.
Saturday
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.