Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
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Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
is this store having a stroke wtf
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*