My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
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Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I didn’t come here to be called names
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?