people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
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PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
i think we should see other cousins
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
They’re called werewolves.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf