Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
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Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters