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[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
this is what they would have looked like, though
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.