The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
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Dear Lord..
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
my dog when i have a friend over
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice