called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
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the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Oh boy, $150,000!
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
dads on road-trips be like
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10