Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
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I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.