There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
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INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
The 6 types of sex
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I wish this was real life…
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”