If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
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No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas