just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
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lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
No. YOU-buprofen.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.