My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
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Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny