Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
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Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Duck typos.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.