GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
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[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Has there ever been a more American story?
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.