HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
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My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
*sewing*
A thread
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
everyone has that one prude friend
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
The Sun’s probably Asian.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.