“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
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[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”