my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
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Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag