[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
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Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
So inspired right now.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am