No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
New tinder profile pic
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.