Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
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Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
How to make infinite energy.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
If you are reading this then you are reading this
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet