The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
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If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Morning my dudes.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.