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*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Me: βDid you hit your little sister?β
3-year-old: βNo, the ball did.β
Me: βDid you throw the ball?β
3: βNo, my bat did.β
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know itβs to annoy my husband
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the dollβs face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Itβs better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I donβt know why they never mention that.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you donβt answer
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Donβt stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I bet Gloria Estefanβs kids were terrified of rhythm.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. Iβm taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it