Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
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Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
An odd boast
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump