I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
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“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.