Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
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On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.