Things will get butter, keep churning
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I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
That took me a moment.
*jazz hands*
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!