For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
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The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers