One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
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she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?