Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
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[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I wish I were this cool 😂
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar