My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
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Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Trying
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.