Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
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Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.