They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
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me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?