You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
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My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
inside you are two wolves
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.