Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
You Might Also Like
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.