Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
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DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Autocorrect is my menesis
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?