Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
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[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”