I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
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It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.