Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
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[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
*Seductively hides in the woods
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas