Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
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what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.