All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*