Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
You Might Also Like
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet