Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
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“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope