If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
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*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!