your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
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Oh my god
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision