There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
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Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement