My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
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Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.