[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
You Might Also Like
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess