[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
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This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets